Dear Santa ...

Translated to english by me from a famous spanish humour program from some years ago.

Quote :

Dear Santa

it might be surprising to you that I write this letter today, december 26th, but there are some things I want to clarify about what happened since I last wrote you, full of hope, asking for a bicycle, electric train, playstation 4 and rollers.

I'd like to point out first that I spent all year killing myself studying at school, so much so that I just wasn't one of the best in my class, but I got A+ in all subjects, not going to lie. Nobody behaved better than me with his parents, siblings, friends or neighbors. I did errands for free, helped old people cross the street and there was nothing I would not do for my fellows, and then ...

WHAT DID YOU DO YOU MORON?

Because, leaving under the tree a fucking spinning top, a shitty trumpet and a damned pair of socks WHAT A SHIT!

What the hell did you think you asshole? So I spend all year acting like an idiot for a shit of this caliber? And if that wasn't enough, that asshole son of the neighbors, that bastard without manners, idiot, ill-bred, disobedient, who is constantly yelling to his mother, he got all he asked you for. That's why I now just wish that and earthquake happens and kills us all, because with a Santa as false and incompetent as you, better the earth swallows us all.

But yeah, don't let that you stop from coming next year, as that will give me the chance to stone your bloody deers, starting with that shitty one with an homosexual name, Rudolph. I'm going to scare them off so that you have to fuck yourself walking like me, you son of a bitch, because the bicycle I asked for was to be able to paddle to school, that is quite far away from home.

Ahhhh and I won't say goodbye before wishing you that once your fucking sleigh has climbed high enough, it overturns and you hit the ground hard for being such a son of a bitch.  

Yours truly,

Nano

P.D:

The fucking spinning top, shitty trumpet and damned pair of socks you can come back to pick them when you want and stick them deep in your ass.

Very rude!

Christmas is the occasion to play Last Christmas, All I Want for Christmas Is You and Do They Know it's Christmas, but we get another one in Dutch which is a parody on the birth of Christ, including a punch-up and Joseph getting drunk.

It was a big hit, and banned in some parishes where people were told they'd go "straight to hell should they dare to buy the record".

A very very long time ago
The weather was on an all time low
He lay there shivering in a cold cowshed
In a manger with an ox and a donkey, and that was it

But up in the sky one little star shone the most
It kept shining and then it grew a signpost
Soon everybody found there way to the night's hosts
It was swarming with shepherds wearing thick woolly coats

Little Jesus was born, Hallelujah oh yeah
Little Jesus was born in crib full of hay

Then arrived three Kings, one in black and one in white
Available for babysitting duties every other night
They donated a roll of balatum and a large pot of varnish
A salami with garlic and an aquarium with a fish

The black one gave Joseph a few screws and a drill
And little Jesus a scarf so he wouldn't feel the chill
Mary got a bag of cement with a big pink bow
And a pencil and an eraser, that was it for now

Little Jesus was born, Hallelujah oh yeah
Little Jesus was born in crib full of hay

The Holy Spirit was admiring things from the ceiling
Wearing his blue trainers, and a tie which looked unappealing
Then Joseph said "It's obvious and plain to see
This kid's mine, he looks just like me"

The Holy Spirit started laughing, "oh you pour dork"
The little one's mine because I was the only stork"
Joseph showed the Spirit his left hook and started a fight
That left the whole cowshed without sound and without light

Little Jesus was born, Hallelujah oh yeah
Little Jesus was born in crib full of hay

Punches were being thrown all around
Ox and donkey were lying knocked out on the ground
Then God flew in and claimed "This is my son"
Everybody was astonished with him being the one

Joseph couldn't keep up and got started on the booze
Mary sat there with no clue which father she had to choose
It became a circus, it became a farce
The whole party had just fallen flat on its arse

Little Jesus was born, Hallelujah oh yeah
Little Jesus was born in crib full of hay

Jesus get fed up and decided he didn't want to be here
He got his halo and wore it sideways over his ear
He showed he was the man and got into his sportscar
"Anyone who want to follow me will have to run bloody quick and bloody far"

Little Jesus was born, Hallelujah oh yeah
Little Jesus was born in crib full of hay